Northwestern- College visit

Today was the my mother and I went to Northwestern college in the cities. I had a meeting with Jessica williamson about my application and financial aid, then talked to David about my "disability". Both started out to seem easy then ended with least to say complicated. Both Jessica and David seemed like generally nice people, but I still didn't like the fact that dyslexia is linked with blind for Northwestern. Being blind is a serious condition dyslexia on the other hand less serious. But sometimes I wonder if I see myself differently from how other people see me. Sometimes I wonder if I look like a lost puppy trying to find her way home and everyone has to be nice to her. I want to be normal thats all I have wanted to be my whole life but sometimes I wonder if I am. Don't get me wrong I like being borderline crazy but is it too much?

Another thing that makes me wonder my mother was talking to this David guy explaining that in second grade I was mainstreamed. But I apparently I begged to go back into the special classes. Somehow I have no recollection of this! I mean I would think crying to my parents about needing help would be a pretty traumatic event in my life I WOULD REMEMBER. Then why don't I? It makes me feel like there is something more to this dyslexia. What do you think? I'm overacting right? So I guess I'll know next week if I'm excepted or not.. you'll hear from me then.

Lindsey

Moving on

I was going to write this blog entry a couple days ago but lost track of time. This year is my last year in high-school(hopefully) and to tell you the truth I'm kind of going to miss it. Not being in high-school believe me I do not want to go back to that lion's den but just having my life being so simple not having to plan everything. Monday night I was just sitting at home twittering with my hair, when my mom comes home claiming I have a meeting with Northwestern college on Thursday. I'm supposed to meet with some guy named David don't remember his last name he's the person who deals with learning disabilities-what I have. A part of me was really excited I love Northwestern , love the atmosphere, love the people but apart of me wants to stay here. Yes there may be a stupid reason I want to say but its really making me question my thoughts. So I'm really hoping tomorrow will be another wake up call to me. Because I really need one.

Lindsey

Finishing up senior year

I'm about to go driving with my sister, but I suppose I could say a quick hi before I leave. So my life lately?I have only twenty days left before I finish up icky high school. I've been trying to mend my "friendship" (if thats what you call it these days) with Necoda, yes no friendship or whatever code I've been using these days. Trying to be a real relationship with God it has it's good and bad days. I'm just kinda learning to take things slow and learn to trust him completely. Oh and to finish it all up I'm going to attempt to get lincense. Yeah thats all I'm going to leave with rightnow.

Rape Dream

So, I had this dream a couple days ago but found it really creepy and odd I just had to share. I know normally people don't share their nightmares,especially not when it has to do with a sore topic like rape. But if you know me you know I'm pretty out there and most of my life is like an open book. Oh also just to let you know this is my third rape dream the first one had to do with lying to my mother about being raped, the second was about my friend getting raped then confiding in me, and this one I was actually the victim. 

It started out with me walking along some street without my headphones ( trust me this relevant). I see this carriage driver a creepy old man with an odd blue outfit. He was a giving a young couple a ride I  looked up and he was looking at me. Later I was walking down that same street again this time with my headphones blaring my music so I couldn't hear anything. I saw the man again this time just walking by himself without any carriage. He smiled at me and started to say something but I just smiled back because I had my headphones on. I started to turn the other direction and he began to follow me then I went the opposite way, still following me. I must of said something like "I don't have any money with me." because then he said "I'm not really a carriage driver." Then he got on top of me and started to force himself on me,trying to rape me. I don't truly know if I was raped because the dream ended. I'm secretly hoping that I kicked where it hurts and quickly ran off because it would be better than the alternative.

No I've never been raped in real life but I can't even imagine how horrific it would be.  I wrote about this because lately every-time I've tried to write on this website something better catches my eye and I get distracted. Sorry.

See-ya later

Lindsey

Burger blast 2009!

I'm really tired So I probably won't write very much. Went to the Burger blast tonight. Let me explain we have this thing called the Burger blast at our church where we cook and serve a meal of burgers and french fries to make money for various fundraisers. After school I just wanted to go to my room get rough with my new punching bag and go to sleep not go to some church fundraising event. I didn't think I would have a very good time plus I didn't want to be around no friendship guy who pretends I don't exist. turns out I went had a 'blast' and no friendship guy went MIA so I didn't have to worry bout that.

The kitchen was hectic but very fun.I kinda felt like superwomen getting all these beverages and putting them on servers trays. I told Jessie about my disturbing dream She laughed kind of and said it wasn't uncommon. I will not be telling you this one even though I would like to just to see your reaction It would be inappropriate so no.Its one of those dreams where you wake up and your like "woah how did that happen?"

Anyway its late and I want sleep so bye for now..

Lindsey

Breakthrough or breakout?

Today in Interper. Comm. things got a little too personal for me. I guess sometimes the skeletons come of the closet well that was today for me. Not everything came but some pretty serious stuff was found out about me. I want to keep this entry hush hush but I just had to write some of it down because I was thinking about it all day. I said this blog would be about my personal life but I meant love life not stuff I've dealt with in the past. So I'm keeping quiet about what what Jeff,Matt, and Mr. Vandong found out about me today. I'm also keeping quiet about the disturbing dream I had last night the bad thing was it was partly about reality. It wasn't the worst I've had but still it was hard for me. 

I don't know how the whole thing came out Mr. Vandong just started asking me questions and I couldn't just sit there and lie. After that not much happened I yelled at my friend for being stupid because she was. Mike tried to make me feel better about gym "oh I should of picked you" well its a little too late for that. I'm just so sick of being the last person picked for once I'd like to be someone's first pick. I may suck but who cares its just a stupid game. What ever happened to taking joy in painful times. I guess I'm not in pain I'm just overly annoyed.

Signing out 

Lindsey

4 a.m

Its an hour before I have to go to school so I write again. I realize I write in here almost everyday I'm sorry for that but I have so much to say. I'm saying you have to acknowledge all of it most of it is crap but it could be interesting I've changed alot in this past year. Mostly I've learned that Christ heals any broken heart it just takes alot of time. James 1-2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds.

So today I woke up at four 3:57 to be exact. I had no idea why god would choose to wake me up so early or why I couldn't sleep last night. Ok well maybe I had a little idea. I didn't know what to do so I prayed our youth pastor always told us if he woke real early he would pray. Thats what I did. I've been using the word confused alot and asking god alot of questions. Sometimes I don't know weather he's telling me to go for it or just ignore it. I figure if I keep telling its not true it won't be. Then there's this guy at my church WHO I DO NOT like I'm just frustrated. We used to be kind of awkward friends now not so much. I'll admit it might be partly my fault. I've said some really stupid stuff to him and yes this is the guy I met at the football game that I embarrassed deeply. I also told him if ever needed any to talk too... well you know the rest. He's a guy what did I expect him to say "Ok thanks your so sweet Lindsey" lets face it they have different minds then girl's do. Though he didn't have the nicest response it was expected for a guy.

I just hate when people ignore me I'd rather they spat in my face. Atleast the problem would have been confronted. At the youth group super-bowl party we were fighting. I told Jessie to tell him to shove it. Boom another slash from Lindsey Mickelson folks. anyway I kind of want to go to school so I can just stop thinking about it.

Lindsey